Friday, November 5, 2010

Half-Assed NaBloWriMo Day 5

So it occurred to me I've been referring to this whole month improperly. It's actually National Blog POSTING Month, not National Blog Writing Month. Oh well, it's all semantics.

This entry is coming to you very early Friday because I have places to be tomorrow (technically later today). Wedding! And then another wedding!

Last night and tonight I've been doing this US States quiz because it occurred to me this year that I don't know the geography of the USA very well. For some reason, whenever I heard a state name and didn't know where that state was, I imagined it as where Utah and Idaho are. If I had to draw a map of the USA before last night, the east and midwest would be relatively empty and every other state would be crammed in between Colorado and Oregon, haha. I did a few different states tests about 20 times and now I think I'm pretty confident where everything is. I only keep messing up Nebraska and Kansas, two states I previously thought are approximately where Nevada is, haha.

Anyway, today's meme is a little morbid so you'll have to bear with me.

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

There is only one time in my life where I actually considered suicide as an option, but the thought lasted maybe 10 seconds before I knew there was a better alternative. I consider this moment, which I remember quite well, as the turning point in my life.

I can't remember exactly when it was, but it was sometime between October and December 2007. 2007 had been a horrible year; so many things happened that make me wonder how I ever escaped with a smile. Most of the things are too personal to share with my family, let alone my blog, but suffice it to say, had I actually committed suicide, I'm sure certain people would have seen it coming. 2007 was THAT bad.

Oh I had money, a job and a roof over my head so I guess you could call my former problems "white people problems" and I suppose, perhaps, although I hate this idea, you could say I had a quarter-life crisis.

So it was sometime late 2007. I remember the moment perfectly. I was sitting in the bath tub, bawling, like usual. I couldn't bear to be alone with myself and during the inevitable alone time that came during baths, I would frequently break down. I pulled my face out my hands, wiped away my tears, and stared at the shampoo and soap sitting on the built-in shelf in the tub. Something looked different but I couldn't put my finger on it. All at once it was as if the universe had opened an imaginary window on the bathtub wall that displayed my future. In that moment, I knew exactly how the rest of my life would work out, every little and big thing that would happen. I could clearly see the path I was headed down. And as the window disappeared from view, a proverbial hand slapped me where it hurt: my thoughts. I don't want to see the rest of my life. I remember thinking that exact thought, I don't want to see the rest of my life. If I know everything that's going to happen, what's the point of even living through it? My mind, frantic and panicking, tried to find a solution and presented me with the quick fix. You should kill yourself. As soon as I realized it was an option, my mind reeled back as if to hit "undo." No, no, you can't do that. There has to be another way to fix this. I knew then that I had some serious thinking to do. All I had wanted was to take my usual bath and sob and I had come to the realization that I had gotten on the wrong train in my life. In my rush to reach adulthood, I had boarded the train that looked decent. There's a husband car on this train? Okay, that'll work. Eventual home-ownership? Yeah okay, I'll just get on this one. I hadn't bothered to look around and try life out, I just hopped on the next train to death and assumed it'd be good enough.

You'll be happy to know that I was able to fix my mistakes and I no longer feel like I'm headed toward a life I'm not interested in. It was a very important lesson in my life to truly listen to myself and what I want. I don't think everybody has been privileged enough to honestly listen to themselves and let themselves guide their life. I know for me it's not a mistake I'll ever make again. Although it sure sucked at the time, much better in 2007 than a year, 5 years, or 20 years later.

1 comment:

  1. Wow very profound thanks for sharing that post. Have a great weekend of weddings.



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