Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Food (+ Jaime = Bad Mood) Network

I have a confession to make, and you probably won't like me for it. I hate the Food Network.

My tastes and preferences have a tendency to border on the opposite of everyone else. This ranges from big things (like the fact you couldn't have forced me to go to prom) all the way down to the little things (I love black licorice). I am no stranger to crinkled noses and proclamations of, "You're weird!" I was born different and I'll die different.

I've noticed that most of the people I'm close to enjoy, for one reason or another, the Food Network. I think I get it; the food looks good and one can fool themselves into believing they're actually absorbing the advice being offered through the TV. I learned in school that babies don't learn English from watching TV, and I'm sure no one is becoming an amazing cook by watching Guy Fieri take ginormous bites of burgers. I don't know if it's true, but I read that your brain is more active while you're sleeping than it is while you're watching TV. If that's true, no one is remembering those 12 ingredients Jamie Oliver just dumped into a pot to make soup.

My friends don't seem to care what's showing on the Food Network; they just turn it on and watch. For me, I guess it's like watching informercials. I don't care what's being hawked, I'll watch it just the same.

Unfortunately, I'm subjected to the Food Network more than I'd like. I think it's Anthony's favourite channel, second only to ESPN.

So why, you ask, do I hate the Food Network? Easy: because it makes me hungry. Maybe my brain hasn't evolved to current levels of cognizance because when I watch the Food Network, I'm transformed into a starved dog, watching a juicy steak waved in front of my face, only to be taken away. I like what I see, and I want to eat it, but I can't. And that frustrates my brain and in turn, me. Perhaps my problem is that I don't zone out while watching TV so my engaged brain is concentrating on every detail.

Anthony once turned on the Food Network a night I was in Ann Arbor and was really hungry (I don't remember why). Watching delicious dishes of whatever-the-heck on a 50" screen right in front of me only served to put me in a bad mood. When Anthony finally agreed to get up and make something to eat, he gave me a dried up, leftover piece of chicken. After watching the Food Network for an hour, my taste buds were a little disappointed. Each time since then, I've hated the Food Network with a growing intensity.

I don't know why I can't watch the Food Network without getting ravenous and irritable, but I just can't. I don't know how other people can stand it. It's not like I keep myself in a perpetual state of starvation, but I'm sorry: if I see food, I want to eat it (I'm on a "seafood diet" HA HA HA).

So there you have it. Another chapter in the book of Things Everyone Loves That I Can't Stand.

Maybe I'll make this a regular thing since it's such a vast topic.

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